


The Boat is About to Sink

by Random_Fandom_writer



Series: These Broken Parts [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxious Evan Hansen, Break Up, Character Death, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Dissociation, Evan-centric, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared is TRYING, Lies, M/M, May or may not be listening to "In case you don't live forever" while writing this, My First Fanfic, Poor Evan, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Spoiler Alert: He doesn't, Suicide, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, connor wants to help, i project myself on evan a lot, it's sad, nervous tics, not very shippy, sorry connor, sorry evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-11-24 22:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18170399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Everyone has tics. Alana bites her nails to stubs, and picks at her cuticles until they bleed. Zoe tugs and twists her hair into knots. Jared chews at his lips until they're dry and shredded beyond the repair of dollar store chap stick. Connor chips at his nail polish. Chip, apply, chip, apply, repeat. He has some other bad habits but he's trying really hard to move past those.And Evan.Evan scratches.Or...It takes Evan 7 months to crumble.





	The Boat is About to Sink

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Self harm, suicide, mentions of past suicide attempts, depression, anxiety, fighting/arguing, harsh language  
> (title from "Good for You" on the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack)
> 
> Just a heads up:  
> italicized is stress on words spoken/spoken with intensity  
> underlined are internal thoughts with emphasise on them  
> italics with ' ' around it are internal thoughts
> 
> The timeline is a bit awkward so I'm going to explain it. It take place at the beginning of senior year (September) and ends in April. The group (Alana, Jared, Evan, Zoe, and Connor) are already friends and have been since junior year. Connor and Evan probably got together sometime in the fall of junior year. Connor has already gotten some help thanks to the help of Evan, but still has a long way to go btw.
> 
> ONTO THE STORY

 

Everyone has tics. Little taps on the table, bouncing knees, picking at shirt strings. Nervous, jittery tics.

Alana bites her nails to stubs, and picks at her cuticles until they bleed. Zoe tugs and twists her hair into knots. Jared chews on his lips until they’re dry and shredded beyond the repair of dollar store chapstick. Connor chips at his nail polish. Chip, apply, chip, apply, repeat. He has some other bad habits but he’s trying  _really_ hard to move past those. And Evan.

Evan scratches.

Evan scratches until the skin underneath his hoodie is raw from untamed nails. His pasty skin a sharp contrast compared to the red snaking lines that trail up and down his forearms.

But everyone has tics right? Even if his is a little strange. It’s ok.

_Everyone has tics._

_***_

Zoe didn’t understand. He knew she saw the white half moons from when his nails dug a bit too deep into his skin. She didn’t mention it. Only because she lacked something to say, rather than respect of his privacy. Zoe didn’t understand. It’s just a tic. A harmless tic.

_Everyone has tics._

Jared saw them one time when he came over for one of their weekly hangouts to find Evan curled in on himself and scratching. They didn’t talk about it. Or rather, Evan didn’t talk about it. He let Jared unfold his limbs and wipe away the blood from where he got a little too frivolous with his scratching. And Jared asked. He asked the one question Evan didn’t know how to answer.

**_Why._ **

_'Why?'_

Evan doesn't get it. Or rather doesn't know, doesn't really know why.

Everyone has tics.

 

* * *

 

He wasn’t supposed to find out. Not really.

Evan can't even remember why he’s crying. Something small probably. He does that a lot, Evan cries a lot. Terrible habit, he knows.

_'Weak.'_

His arms had begun to bleed. He doesn’t mind, it happens pretty often.

 _'Pathetic.'_  

“Evan”

And suddenly everything stops.

_'Oh.'_

_'Jared.'_

“Ev- What are you doing?”

“What- why are- are you here?” Evan manages to choke out the question despite of himself.

Jared takes a step closer, wincing as Evan flinches back from the movement. “It’s Thursday. Remember?” Jared tries to keep his voice gentle and soothing. It just sounds fake. He appreciates the effort though. 

Evan remembers now.

Car insurance.

“Right.” Evans voice is far away. It was probably too quiet to hear. How could he expect Jared to hear him over his heartbeat which is so _damn loud._

“Stop that.” Jared rushes forward, separating Evans nails from his wrist.

He swore he heard a hint of fear in his voice.

_'That’s new.'_

Evan wants to get back to scratching now please because his wrists are _burningburningburning_ and he needs to make it stop. But Jared needs to leave first, because Evan doesn’t want to hear the fear that edged Jared’s voice ever again. Jared’s strong. Jared’s not supposed to be afraid- _'that’s my thing Jared I’m the anxious one.'_

“You- you don-don’t have to be here right now,” Evan tries, but it must not be very convincing because Jared stays.

“I think I should stay.” Jared let’s go of Evans wrists which he only then realizes that- _'they sting'_ \- and pulls Evan to his feet.

Evan's legs crumple.

Jared only just manages to catch him before he hits the ground like a bag of stones, reaching outwards with an alarmed wheeze. “Can you _try_ and hold some of your weight? You’re heavier than I thought,” Jared grinds out, voicefilled with faux annoyance.

It hurts Evan more than he’d like to admit.

***

Evan and Jared are sat on Evans unmade bed. He’s holding a glass of water and Evan can’t remember where it came from because he’s tired and thinking hurts. ' _Jared probably did this he didn’t have to, he doesn’t have to be here why does he stay Evan?'_

_'Why does he stay with someone like you?'_

Jared is the first to break the silence, but that’s ok because it’s not like Evan was going to speak anyways. “Why do you do that?” Jared’s voice is cautious. It occurred to Evan that this is probably the most serious he’s ever seen him.

Evan can’t answer.

He doesn't really have an answer.

And it’s suddenly too loud again, and Evan can’t think or speak or even breathe- _'remember to_ **_breathe_ ** _Evan you can’t even breathe right you useless, pathetic, pitiful-'_

“Evan-"

 **“What?”** It comes out as a yell and Evan is so _stupidstupidstupid_ because now Jared is crying and he can’t take it back. “What“ _\- 'breathe Evan'-_ “What do you want me to say?”

He opens his mouth. Then closes it. Then opens it again.

"I don't know."

Evan still doesn’t know how to answer. So he doesn’t.

“Evan talk to me-“

“Can you please go?” Although he kept the stutter out of his voice, he still hadn’t met his eyes.  ~~ _'Coward.'_~~

He complies.

He lets out a shaky breath, fixes his glasses, and gets up, stopping at the doorway. "Text me if you need anything."

And then he leaves.

Evan almost stops him. Almost cry’s out ' _wait please I didn’t mean it, I don’t want to be alone right now.'_ The part of him that ~~wants~~ _needs_ to be seen by someone, anyone almost stops him.

Almost.

And Jared’s gone, Evans alone, and he can’t seem to remember how long he's been sitting on his bed, alone with a full glass of water clutches between his hands. It must have been a while because he can see the sun peeking over the horizon.

But he’s ok, because his wrists don’t itch anymore and he can sleep in when the weekend comes.

He’s ok. The scratching's only a tic and he can stop whenever he wants, because he is in control.

 

* * *

 

He showed them to Connor. Rather out of some sort of desperation than need or want. Connor was good. Connor didn’t ask hard questions. Connor just held him as he cried, whispering softly in his ear until Evan gave into the sleep that had eluded him the previous nights.

But everything’s ok. It’s just a tic.

Everyone has tics.

 

* * *

 

Evan glanced around at the ‘greenery’ which was now more of a dull orange than a green. He'd always liked fall.

“-so with that in mind, if you ever get a cat I will break up with you," gasping in mock betrayal when the other giggles. "How dare you laugh at my traumatic experience, I still have the battle scars from that fucking thing."

They sat under an apple tree. Their apple tree. Conner had carved their initials into the bark back when Connor brought Evan here for the first time. It felt good to call something _theirs._ A reminder that he's part of something.

Silence.

“Everything good?” Conner eyed Evan warily. “Did I do something?” Usually Evan would have burst into conversation by now, stuttering out something stupid and mindless, because he hated silence, and Connor likes hearing him talk.

Evan jolted his head up. “No of- of course not. It- it- it’s not you, you did nothing wrong, sorry-“

“Don't say sorry you're fine.”

Evan sighed scratching the back of his hand. “I know s-hmm.”

“You want to say it again don't you?”

“Very much so yes.” Evan lets out a breathy laugh, eyes flickering to meet Conner's before darting back to the ground.

Conner took the hand that had been absentmindedly scratching at his forearm, rubbing the digits with his own. “You don’t have to apologize to me-hey look at me.” Conner guided Evans chin to face his own, smiling reassuringly. “It’s ok.”

Evans smile faded, replaced with a slight grimace. “Yeah,” he replied, nodding. “I know."

“So is everything good then?”

“Hmm?”

“Is everything ok.”

Evan hesitated, which was never a good thing. Hesitation meant he was hiding something. And maybe he was but does it really matter?

“It's chill, I'm good.”

Evan had never been particularly good at lying to Connor anyways.

“Actually- no. No I’m not... Fine that is. I don’t know why I said that."

He frowns, drawing Evan into his chest. “Can you tell me how to fix it?”

He tenses, brow furrowing.

_'Fix.'_

Evan lets a nervous chuckle escape his lips. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Evan, although he can’t see his face, can sense his frustration. He can’t bring himself to care. “Ev, you know I didn’t mean-“

Evan cuts in because he never really knows when to stop. “What did you mean?”

“You’re avoiding my question.” He pushes Evan off his chest, trying to meet his eyes.

“And you’re avoiding mine.” Connor scrubbed at his face opening his mouth to add but Evan cuts through. “I’m not fucking- there’s nothing to fix-“

 _“I didn't say that.”_   Evan flinches at the intensity of his voice. ”Stop doing that, I didn't mean-” He drops his voice to a whisper. He doesn’t look angry anymore. He looks defeated and Evan doesn’t know what is worse. “Talk to me.”

If he wasn’t talking before he sure as hell wasn’t going to now.

“I’m sorry I yelled. Just- please Evan.” He looks pleading. “You always just- you never tell me what’s wrong, and I don’t know what to do.” He’s determined this time, Evan can tell he’s not going to let this go. “I _don't know_ what to do."

“I'm sorry.” Evan whispered more to himself than anyone, avoiding Connors gaze. He’d curled in on himself, distancing himself as far away from the other as possible. “I don't even know how to deal with me, I can't expect you to deal with..." He trailed off, focusing on worrying the hem of his shirt.

“Ev.” Conner bit back the familiar annoyance bubbling in his throat. “I just. Want to be a good boyfriend." A beat. "I want you to be ok."

"But I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

Everything is wrong right now, and it's just getting worse.

It’s a long while before Evan decides to speak.

“You’ll hate me.”

He says it with such finality that it _hurts_.

“That’s not true.”

Evan believes him.

 

* * *

 

Alana picks and bites at her nails,

Zoe tugs and twists her hair,

Connor chips and applies his nail polish,

Jared chews and rips at his lips,

Evan scratches,

And scratches,

And scratches.

Scratches until remnants of his flesh stick to the underside of his nails. Scratches until his skin turns raw and red. Scratches until beads of blood surface upon his forearms. Scratches, and scratches, and scratches.

And when Alana asks if he’s ok. When his under eyes are so black they look bruised. When his feet drag against the tile floors, and his clothes hang off his body in a way that is definitely not healthy, and when he won’t take off his hoodie even when the spring weather sets in-

He says yes. He is fine. Because why wouldn’t he be?

And he smiles. He smiles and hopes it looks reassuring and real. Everything’s ok. It’s just a tic.

_Everyone has tics._

_***_

Evan hopes nobody notices him slipping, because he is, and it’s time to admit he may not be ok.

He’s afraid

He’s afraid because he doesn’t know how to be ok. Not anymore.

So he scratches.

Connor confronts him when it gets out of hand, spitting questions that he knows will go unanswered, but it’s to much, and Evan doesn’t know anymore.

 

* * *

 

There was one thing that Evan knew for certain. Mrs. Jenkins is possibly, quite literally, Satan for assigning homework over spring break.

The two had gotten together to teamwork their History project.  _'Fucking partner projects.'_

"Con, what sources did you use for the PowerPoint?" Evan peered over his laptop, looking at the other boy who was sprawled out on the floor, skimming through a textbook. He heaved a sigh. Picking up a piece of lined paper, Evan curled it into a ball and lobbed it at his head.

"Bitch-" Connor lifted his head from his history textbook, shooting a playful glare at the other as he picked up the ball and tossed it back at him.

"There he is. You disappeared for a sec." He smiled cockily, raising his eyebrows.

"What?"

"You were zoning out." Evan snorted, searching his face. "Thinking about something?"

He paused, his smile disappearing and replaced with a small grimace. "Would you. Talk to me- tell me if you weren't doing good?"

 _I thought we were past this'_. 

He gave a nervous smile. "Can we not do this now?" He reached forward, grabbing the others hands. "I'm ok." Even Evan didn't believe that.

"Yeah, you just get _less_ convincing every time you say that." Connor rubbed at his temples, shrugging.

"What does that- what are you saying?"

"I'm _saying_ you look like a fucking mess, have you looked in a mirror today?"

The answer is no. Because the last time he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a window, he almost threw up. Greasy hair- _'Showering seemed like an impossible task'-,_ eye bags- _'Too much sleep, or not enough?'-,_ skinny frame- _'when was the last time I ate?'-._ So no. Of course he hadn't _looked in a mirror._ It's not like he would benefit from it or something. It'd only make him feel worse. Showering with the lights off is not as difficult as you would expect anyways. And _'oh-'_

"Jesus, Ev." Connor scrubs at his face, letting his hands drop to his side. "So you're just not going to say anything then? 

He must have been silent for longer than he thought.

"Please, I don't want to fight." He's staring at the ceiling now, blinking rapidly.

"That's really all we seem to do anymore is it?" Connor drags his fingers through his hair, pulling lightly as anger makes its way into his voice "I'm _tired_ of this Evan."

"What? What- what does that even mean? Are- are -are you just- is this you breaking up with me?"

"No, _oh my God,_ no Evan." He forces Evan to look into his eyes. "I'm not going to break up with you." His tone has dropped into something gentle, and Evan leans closer to him. "I want us to get through this year together." Evan opens his mouth, but Connor cuts him off before he can get the words out. "I _want_ to help, don't think you are burdening me. You have helped me _so fucking much_ Evan. I want the same for you."

"I'm getting help, I have a therapist."

"Do they know about-" He motions to Evan's wrists. "That. The- the scratching?"

He hasn't. If he tells Dr. Sherman it's gonna become a whole thing that he really doesn't want to deal with, and they'll probably change his medication, or put him in psych or something equally as terrible.

"No, he doesn't."

"Who does?"

"You." He pauses. "And I think Jared." He shivers at the memory. "It was a long time ago so."

"You told Jared?"

Well.

He more sort of found out, rather than have Evan _tell_ him.

"No, not really."

" _This_ is what I'm talking about. You have _trust issues_ or some shit." Connor inches closer until their knees are touching. "You're not as strong as you like to think you are. So _please_ tell someone. Anyone."

Evan hates how right he is. He can't deal with this on his own, and he _hates it._ If he wants to get through this, he _needs_ help. But he can't ask for it, he doesn't know how. But right now a more pressing thought is on his mind. He blinks slowly, speaking in almost a whisper. "Why do you want to help me? I- I've been nothing but a fucking mess and you are still _here."_ His voice cracks on the last word.

"Because I love you." Connor looks surprised at the words that had left his mouth. He drops his hands to his sides, staring at Evan sadly. "Ok yeah, so that's out there now."

All the air has left his lungs. He wants to say back, ' _I love you too, I love you so much that sometimes it's hard to breath, please never leave I love you-'_

Too bad Evan can't say it out loud.

It's like something has lodged itself in his throat, preventing him from speaking or breathing.

Evan can't say anything out loud right now.

He can only watch as the hope slowly drains from Connor's face.

"You don't have to say it back." He drops his head, stepping backwards to make a space between them. "But can you at least say _something?"_

Silence.

"Right, of course." Connor hesitates before adding, "I just want my boyfriend back. Grabbing his book bag, he runs out without so much as a goodbye.

 

* * *

 

And he is falling.

And scratching.

And falling.

Heidi had to notice at one point. Or rather, had to find out.

 

* * *

 

When Evan walked in the door he wasn't expecting Heidi to be waiting for him.

"Oh, you're here." For once. "Don't you have a shift?"

"Yeah, I asked Diana to cover for me, she says hi. I thought maybe we could have a taco Tuesday." Heidi beams at Evan, ruffing his hair as she walks into the kitchen. "How does that sound?"

Evan decides not to point out that it isn't Tuesday. "That- that sounds great." Evan follows her into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as she chops a head of lettuce.

Evan shifts awkwardly, scraping his wrists lightly with his nails as Heidi bustles around the kitchen. A heavy silence falls over the household, neither making a move to talk.

At some point Heidi decides she's had enough. She sets the knife down with more force than necessary, both of them wincing at the movement. "Sweetie, can we talk?."

 _'Oh._ _Oh no.'_

Heidi must have sense his unease because she immediately backtracks. "Oh honey, you're not in trouble I just wanted to talk." She offers him a sweet smile as she walks to the couch. The smile she reserves for fragile moments. Like the atmosphere around her could shatter at any moment. With the tension that surrounded them, Evan wouldn't be surprised if it did. "Come sit with me?" She pats a spot on the couch that Evan automatically fills.

Evan sucks in a breath. "W-what do- do you want to talk about?"

"It's just been so long since we've had a proper conversation. It's like I don't know what's going on in your life anymore." Her voice is laced with a painfully fake cheeriness and she knows it. Evan almost wants to say it's passive aggressiveness.

"Ok, lets talk." Evan matches her toothy smile with his own closed lipped one, both equally as forced.

"So how's school?" The cheeriness becomes more tired and forced. Evan cringes at the realization that they've had to resort to small talk in conversation.

"Good- great. School is... Great."

It continues on like that. Heidi grasping for things to keep Evan situated as he supplies mindlessly thought out answers.

It hurts to realize how far they've strayed.

"How much sleep have you been getting?" The outlier question grabs his attention as he looks at her confusedly.

"Enough," Evan replies carefully. "Is that what this is about? Because really, I am fine. Just- you know how high school can be-"

"Can I see your wrists?" Heidi interjects his rambling and Evan swear the air around him turns to ice.

"What?"

"Please."

"No- what- why are you asking me?" Evan scoots back, drawing his arms across his stomach.

"Evan-"

"No." He's visibly shaking now, jerking backwards as Heidi goes to cup his face. His breath quickens until he _can't breathe._ His head hurts and all he wants is for it to stop- _'stop freaking out and breathe. Breathe Evan remember to breathe-.'_ And now he's crying, and she's crying, and neither of them can tell when the tears started.

"Please Evan." Her voice cracks at the very end, and it finally dawns on him that she may not be as strong as she seems.

He looks at the floor, then the wall, then his lap. Anywhere but her face, because then he'd see the broken expression she's wearing. Knowing that he put it there is enough to make him nauseous.

It takes until he is able to breathe somewhat regularly for him to shakily nod his head. "Ok." He speaks so softly Heidi almost misses it. "Ok." He slowly uncurls himself, using his unsteady hands to roll up his hoodie sleeves. ' _Breathe in for five, out for six, in for five, out for six. Good.'_ He closes his eyes as he holds his arms out in front of him. He can hear her gasp and the sound of sobbing. He wants to say something. Anything. Anything to console her because he hates it, he hates this. _T_ _his,_ he can't control _._ He can't make her feel better. _'Helpless.'_

He wants to cry, or maybe scream. But in the moment he can't even find it in him to open his eyes. He knows she is saying something, he can hear the sounds, but he can't single out the words.

He's floating.  Not literally, but it feels like it.

He reaches for something to ground him, anything, but there is nothing

Should he be panicking? Because he isn't.

Everything feels duller, sort of like drinking warm water if that makes sense.

He doesn't like this feeling. He wants it to stop, go away.

It doesn't

***

Arms are around him and it takes a while for him to queue in that he's not floating anymore. It's then when he finally opens his eyes. Heidi is looking at him concernedly, her hands gently shaking his shoulders. "-van. Evan. Evan look at me, you're scaring me. Evan."

_'Oh, **I'm** scaring **you**.'_

_'Don't put this on her.'_

"Yeah."

Heidi releases a breath of relief. "You- you just _blanked out_ for a bit there I- oh God, Evan I'm sorry, this is all my fault, I shouldn't have jumped at you. Connor s- I just got scared. You know you can talk to me right?" Heidi pulls him into a tight hug, shaking against his frame.

Evan nods, humming in acknowledgment. It's a full minute until her processes everything she's said. "Wait, sorry what? _"_

"What?"

"You said Connor."

Heidi gapes, trying to form the right words. "I didn't say-"

"-He told you about t _his_ didn't he? That's how you knew?" She flinches at the anger in his voice. He feels stupid to think she would even notice.

She's saved from answering when a loud crackle and hiss sounds from the kitchen. They both jump up, rushing in to see the contents of a saucepan blackening. Muttering cusses, Heidi turns the burner off, staring at the now ruined taco meat. "There goes taco Tuesday," Heidi jabs. He grimaces, walking back to the couch.

"Your phone is ringing." Evan curls up in the couch, screwing his eyes shut. He tries not to listen in as she picks up the phone, only tuning in after he hears her move her mouth away from the receiver to cuss.

"Yeah, I can be there... Great... Ok, bye." She hangs up with a frown, leaning back against the counter. "That was the hospital."

"Oh?" He doesn't move.

"They want me to go in. Heather had to split. Family emergency."

"Ok." Evan feels the couch dip next to him and Heidi's hand on his shoulder.

"I can stay. I can call them back and tell them something came up."

"You should go in."

"Are you sure? I-"

"Mom, it's fine." He peels his eyes away from the floor and forces himself to look at her. He gives a small smile. Insincere, but she doesn't have to know that does she? 

Heidi let's out a barely audible breath of relief beside him. "Ok." She springs into action, gathering her things together. "And if you need me I'm just-"

"-A phone call away, yeah I got it."

"I'll leave a bill for take out. Dinners kind of... Yeah. Just- please eat tonight, ok?" Evan nods, giving her a thumbs up.

"...I love you"

"Love you too."

And she's gone. _'Of course she is.'_ Out the door, and Evan can finally let the smile drop from his face.

He's not eating tonight. And maybe a small part of him is purposefully acting out of spite.

 

* * *

 

He tells her it’s not her fault ' ~~_because not everything is about you_ ~~ ~~.'~~ And he wants to yell. He wants to yell and scream and cry but he doesn’t because she doesn’t deserve that. It’s not her that’s the fuck up. She promises to try harder but what really can she do? Later, she makes sure to book him extra therapy and requests to increase his dosage, and although it may be what he needs, it’s not what he _wants_.

 

* * *

 

Connor didn't expect Evan to show up on his doorstep at six o'clock on a Saturday.

"What the fuck Connor."

To be fair, he didn't expect that either.

"What are you doing? How did you even-"

"I walked."

"Jesus Ev, get inside." Connor yanked the shorter boy inside. "You're lucky the house is empty or both of us would be in shit. What are you doing here?"

"You know why I'm here."

"I really don't." Connor uncrossed his arms, stepping closer to the blond as he stepped back.

Evan's angry demeanour was diminishing fast as he curled in closer and closer to himself. "I trusted you with this, and you told my _mom_ _?_ _Shit_ Connor."

"Evan I still don't-"

" _ **This."**_ Evan grabbed at the edges of his long sleeves, peeling them upwards to reveal his wrists. Large, ugly patches of scar tissue covered his arms, clashing with his tan forearms. "We had a _long_ talk about it last night. She thinks I'm _crazy_ Connor."

His gaze drops and he gives up on trying to play dumb. "I  _had_ to do something. You're not ok- and don't say you are because we both know that's bullshit." Evan opened his mouth to cut in but Connor stopped him. "Don't act like _you_ were going to tell her."

Evan opened and closed his mouth. "I- I would have _eventually-_ "

They were barely a foot apart from each other now. "No. You wouldn't have. You run from everything, you _**hate**_ confrontation. I'm not just going to stand by and watch my boyfriend hurt himself because he's too fucking _stupid_ to say something. You are a _coward,_ Evan."

Evan stumbled back, eyes wide as he watched Connor's brain catch up to his words. "Oh Ev, baby I didn't mean that," he immediately backtracked. "You know I didn't mean that-"

"No. It- It- It's true." His speech sped up. "I um, I yeah you're right I don't know what-  _dammit Connor I'm sorry ok?"_

Silence.

Evan has never hated silence more.

"And- just because all of that is true, doesn't um. Excuse that." Evan drew in a shaky breath. "I don't like this anymore." Evan avoids Connors gaze, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor.

"What don't you like anymore?"

Connor already knows.

"We should um. Break up."

And Evan is gone, tears burning hot on his cheeks while Connor is left watching him bolt through the door, leaving it open on his way out.

It's only until Evan disappeared around the street corner that Connor lets himself crumble.

 

* * *

 

And suddenly scratching isn’t enough anymore.

He doesn’t know how he got here but he did and ' _this is_ _so much better than scratching.'_ He knows it would break Connor if he were to find out. He wants to believe that he would be angry with him because maybe that would make this easier. But he knows the truth.

Evan decides he doesn’t like the truth.

 

* * *

 

By the time the first day back to school has rolled around he realizes he hasn't spoken to anyone since him and Connor's break up.

He's not ready.

He can't do this, _he can't._ Going to school means seeing Connor, and _'shit',_ he hasn't even told anyone what happened. ' _What if they expect us to_ _talk to each other'?_ and nope, he's not going. ' _It's toosoontoosoontoosoon I can't'_. It would take a miracle to get him out of bed right now.

"Evan are you up yet?"

Or Heidi Hansen.

"Y-eah I'm coming," he yells, voice cracking from disuse. With a groan, he heaved himself out of bed, looking at the clock. _'8:15, shit."_

**"Evan-'**

**"I'm up."**

Throwing on the first hoodie and pants he can find, he bolts down the stairs, reaching for the door. "Ah, ah. Eat before you go."

"I'm not hungry."

She fixes him with a challenging glare, and he quickly grabs an apple from the bowl sitting in front of him. 

"Do you want a drive to school today? I don't have a shift until noon." She smiles at him with tired eyes, already reaching for her keys.

He wants to say yes. Clouds are gathering in the sky, and not the nice, fluffy, white ones. But as he meets her eyes, she can see the dark circles that rest underneath. ' _You're burdening her.'_  

"I kinda wanted to walk today. Get some fresh air or something." He shrugs, forcing a light smile.

Her shoulders deflate slightly, but the smile doesn't leave her face. "Ok honey. Have a good day at school." She ruffles his hair as he passes her, and he playfully bats it away.

As soon as Evan steps outside and feels a drop of rain hit his shoulder, he knows he should have driven.

***

 _'This was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a huge fucking mistake.'_ Jared, Alana, Zoe and Connor are all gathered together, and Evan knows this was a mistake. _'Connor.'_ He looks tired. A bad kind of tired. The kind of tired that seeps into your bones, and never leaves you alone. Evan gets it. He feels it too.

"Evan, over here!" Alana spots him and waves excitedly, beckoning him over. _'Shitshitshitshitshit'_

"Hi." 

"Evan! How was your break? Mine was _very_ produ-"

"Hey Ev." Connor cut through Alana's rant, his voice soft,-' _Like honey'_ - and Evan  berates himself as his heartrate speeds up, because he can't think like that anymore.

"What'd you do over break Alana?" Evan ignored Connor's interjection, facing away from him and turning to Alana. She immediately burst into another monologue, unphased by their odd behaviour.  

Evan pretended not to see him flinch.

For the second time, Alana is interrupted as Zoe inches closer to Connor, nudging him gently with her elbow. "Connor? Can I talk to you? Alone?" She doesn't wait for an answer before dragging him down the hallway.

"What a coincidence, I need to speak with tree boy over here." Jared claps Evan on the shoulder before he too drags him down the opposite end of the hall and around a corner.

***

"What the hell is going on?" Jared whisper yells once they are out of proximity.

"What are you talking about?"

"You, and tall, dark, and scary? You're usually in a lip lock by now." Jared smirks at the blush that spreads across his face at that. "But um, did you two get into another argument?" A small amount of concern slips it's way into his tone. "Cause I will beat his ass for you if you want."

"Yes- well. _Yes_ we got in a f-fight, _no_ I don't want you to beat him up." Evan rubs his eyelids, leaning against a locker for support.

"Can I ask what happened?"

"Do-do you want the sh-short version or-or the long version?"

The bell rings loudly, making Evan jump.

"How willing are you to skip first?"

 ***

"I'll kill Hansen-"

"Zoe, don't." Connor rubbed at his eyes tiredly, his voice scratchy and raw.

"He broke up with you, you were _crying_ because of him, I can't even remember the last time I saw you _cry_."

 _"He had good reason, ok?"_

Zoe flinched back, dropping her hands, which had been flailing animatedly, to her sides. "Connor." She stepped forward, looking into his glassy eyes. "Ever since you've had Evan, you've been better. You actually try now. I just... Don't want you falling back into... Old habits." Tears slip out of his eyes, and he wraps his arms around his waist. "I don't want to lose this, I don't want to lose you _."_

"You're not going to lose me Zoe."

***

"I'll kill Murphy-" Jared was already walking away, storming towards the school.

"Jared, please stop." Evan ran after him, grabbing his arm and spinning him around.

"He _really_ fucked this up, Evan."

"He- well, yes, but he was just trying to help me. I- It was me that-"

"-And you _still_ blame yourself, oh my God Evan-"

 _"Just let it go."_ Evan snapped, making Jared step back.

"What am I doing wrong Jared? Why is all of this..." He trailed off, tears prickling at his eyes.

Jared enveloped the other in a hug, resting his chin on his shoulder.

He skipped the rest of the day. Tomorrow would be better. At least that's what he tells himself.

 

* * *

 

So Evan smiles and lies through his teeth because that’s what he does best.

_'Yes I’ve been eating.'_

_'Yes I slept last night.'_

_'Yes I’m ok, I’m fine really don’t worry about me.'_

Evan wants it to stop,  _'stop it please'_ but he can’t stop, and it won’t stop, and he can’t keep himself from falling.

And suddenly he’s back. End of May or early June, seeking out the tallest tree he could find. Only it’s not June. It’s April, and the cold is not the only thing responsible for the ache in his bones. He promises this will not be like the last time. Because last time he failed, and he will not fail.

 

* * *

 

This time it was planned.

It was planned, and Evan was going to make sure he did it right.

_He wrote a note._

It was short and to the point. Simple, easy, done. Next.

_Location was key._

_'I mean, if you're going to die you might as well die in a place you feel... Happy? Content is more like it'._ Ellison Park was nice, but maybe it was a bit _not good_ to attempt suicide in the same place twice. _'Maybe I'm overthinking this.'_ Yeah, Ellison Park felt right.

_The fall has to kill him._

But it's ok, because he's done his research this time. _'40 feet wasn't enough, but 60 will be plenty.'_

60 will be plenty...

***

Saying goodbye is the hardest part because _'they don't get it, they don't understand.'_

_***_

Evan stops Heidi on her way out the door. "Mom?"

"Yeah honey?"

"Um, I just wanted to say I love you." He smiles softly. A small smile. It's all he can muster at the moment.

"I love you too." She stopped fumbling with her jacket, stepping forward to envelope him in a hug.

Heidi gave the best hugs. They were soft, and warm, and a little bit too tight, but he could never bring himself to care. They were safe. Evan never realized how much he had craved for one of her hugs. Usually they were enough to lessen the tightness in his chest _just a little bit._ Enough to make him a little less angry, or sad or _empty._

It had the opposite effect this time, because this was _the last mom hug he was ever going to get._

So he hugged back, uncaring of how it was _just a little too tight,_ that his arms were trapped, and her hair was in his mouth because _he needs this._

They both do.

The hug ends much to quickly for his liking as Heidi pulls away to rush off to work. "I'll be home late tonight so you won't see me until tomorrow. There's some Trader Joe's dumplings in the freezer so you won't have to order out." She smiles at him, blowing a kiss and dashing out the door with a rushed "I love you". The door slams shut.

"Yeah... Love you too," He whispers back. She didn't hear it.

_She was never going to hear it again._

***

School was even harder.

It'd been weeks since the break up, but they were yet to have a conversation. Zoe shot him a sneer last time he tried, and Evan had to practically drag Jared away to prevent him from jumping at eithers throat. Alana refused to take a side, which he supposed was a good thing.

So things were going great

He had yet to talk to Connor, who was possibly the one person he ~~_wanted_~~  needed to talk to most.

"Connor." Evan shuffled over to Connor, who was accompanied by Zoe. "Connor, can-can I speak t-to you?"

Zoe eyed him warily, opening her mouth to reject him, but the other sibling cut her off. "Um, yeah, sure. Zoe, can you leave for a bit?"

"Actually, I-I think both of you should hear this."

He wrung his hands together, resisting the urge to scratch at his wrists. "I wanted to ap-apologize."

"Evan, I should be the one apologizing-"

"Don't interrupt me. P-please. I just... _Need_ you to hear this." He took a shaky breath, blinking slowly. "Zoe, I want to apologize to you. For making you think that I... That I don't _care_ about Connor, because I do, I really fucking do." He turned away from Zoe, looking Connor in the eyes. "And you," he whispered. "I blew up at you. I did, and I messed up, but so did you. And um, I don't think I c-can forgive you for what you did." Evan cupped a hand over his mouth as his chest heaved a sob.

When he meets Connor's eyes he finds them just as teary as his.

"Ok. Ok Evan."

Evan walks closer to Connor, cupping his cheek with one hand, and brushing a piece of hair behind his ear with the other. Leaning in close, he whispers in the others ear softly.

" _I love you too."_  

And he's gone, pushing past Zoe and Connor before he can see either of their faces.

***

Jared is a different story.

He knows he deserves a goodbye. Maybe an explanation too. Definitely both, but when Jared asks if he'd like to come over after school to play video games, he can only shake his head no and whisper out a meek excuse.

"Ok. See you tomorrow."

"Yeah..."

***

His head is spinning. He wants it to stop, so that's exactly what he is going to do.

_Make it stop._

 

* * *

 

Evan wanted to stop falling. He wanted to _fly._

So he jumped.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so I've had that idea for weeks now and let me tell you, it feels so good to have it all out in front of me. This is my first work for, well, any fandom so tell me how it went.  
>   
> Also...  
> I'm afraid the way I wrote Evan was a little bit out of character so I'll explain why I wrote him the way I did. This is purely how I view Evan's character and I may or may not be projecting.  
>   
> Many people voice that Evan is the expressive, emotional one out of all of them. Not saying that isn't true, but I think that we can go a bit deeper into his character.  
>   
> I wrote Evan as a very private, almost secretive character. In this fic, he isn't very trusting and doesn't really like to showcase when he is downtrodden or at his worst. I feel like he has a lot of layers, but only really peels back the first few. I took most of this from "Words Fail." He never lets people see the worst of him, which I tried to make quite clear in this.  
>   
> Conclusion: Evan is a deeply flawed character that on top of anxiety, has a lot of personal issues he would rather not show people so he uses lies to cover up the fact that he may or may not be quite literally dying.  
>   
> I hope that makes sense. Feedback is always appreciated as this is my first story and I'm always looking to improve. Also, I live off of others validation, so commenting and leaving a kudos will bring life to my Cold Dead HeartTM.


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